Man, I am a fucking asshole.

Ever learn something about yourself way too late to fix anything? I was confronted with my own insecurity the other night in a conversation with my wife. I have always known the whole over-confidence to fill the void left by insecurity idea. I couldn’t tell you how many times Ciara and I have been driving down the highway and see some guy in his monster truck and joking to ourselves “well, he is sure making up for something.” I get it. There are two kinds of confidence. Confidence that says “I know that I am better than insecurity,” and confidence that says “I am incredibly insecure.”

At least I think I get it.

I recently found out that much of my confidence lies in the latter option. I like to think that I am better than my insecurity. I like to think that I have been totally healed of the wounds and curses placed on me by a “father figure” in my childhood. I like to think I am over it, and that I’m a better man. I know that I am better than my insecurity.

No I don’t. 

I am cocky. I’m a dickhead. I’m judgemental. I am a fucking asshole. And if I’m not saying it, I’m thinking it. Most of the time, completely unconsciously. My wife tells me about hurt that she has been feeling for a long time, and I ask her “why haven’t you told me this? I wish you would have told me a long time ago.” Then the bomb drops. “You didn’t listen to me when I have, and if I try, you just get defensive and make my feelings completely invalid.” Instantly I realize that I act like I have everything together. I act like I have all the answers. I act like I haven’t swept years upon years of rejection under the carpet. I act like I don’t care what people think about me. 

James 5:16 says “Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.” I have a lot to learn still, obviously. But being thrown off my high-horse violently has at least got the wheels turning. 

Here is something I have been working on that illustrates this in the simplest way possible (click to see larger):