It seems like everything comes with a price. My faith is one of them. Having been raised in a christian home and church, I inherited a lot of baggage that included guilt, hypocrisy, fear and hate. These are things I believe to be completely demonic and a tragic result of a broken system. I don’t blame God for any of those burdens, in fact I have been mulling around the idea that those horrible things I just mentioned might be directly responsible for who I am.
I believe I am redeemed by Gods grace and blood. I have no qualms saying that, it’s taken me a long time to realize and accept that. But I also wonder if I would have come to that point of realizing or even caring about it if I hadn’t been overwhelmed with the sinful mindsets I was instilled with. The hate I felt for muslims, gays and democrats (recovering fundamentalist) and the guilt I carried around for the millions of wounds I afflicted on Christ were things that drove my eyes to the cross and Christ’s sacrifice. Was it in the end, good to be riddled with those atrocities? Would I have looked for hope and grace if I was raised away from the warped mindset of earning your salvation (or repenting every 5 minutes)?
I don’t write this with any condemnation, merely regret and repentance. In the last few years I’ve denied, wrestled with & accepted (wash,rinse,repeat) the grace my god has bestowed unconditionally over and over. Through hundreds of conversations and dialogues I’ve come to amazing restoration for those parties mentioned but still have heaps of things on my spiritual ‘to-do’ list. I also have tremendous hope for the path before me as I transition from Romero-ish zombie to a less dead creature of mercy. I’m reminded of the stories of God constantly making good from the horrible things we do (even in God’s name). This is testament to the God of restoration.
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good, honest post. as a Christian parent, i am constantly mindful of how so many of my friends associate a Christian upbringing with the baggage of guilt, fear, hatred, etc that you mentioned. do you think it’s possible to raise children without that being a part of it? or maybe it’s a perfectly normal (albeit unfortunate) of making your faith your own? i can remember submitting to Christ in my 20s and it took a few years of wrestling with these demons as i sought to delineate my real, living relationship with Christ from the teachings of my mentors.
either way, good post. i know there’s much more meat here than what i honed in on.
I do not envy being a parent. I think being a christian parent raising any child in a christian environment is going to inevitably expose their child to an atmosphere that they will clash with (if not at the time, in the future). Since a church is a group of broken people trying to live their lives as God leads them, naturally theres going to be mistakes. I think my parents did a wonderful job and I am so thankful for the examples and boundaries they gave me. I feel like a lot of the nasty things I inherited was from this christian sub-culture that is stewing in itself, be it out of fear, obstinacy or anything really.
“…or maybe it’s a perfectly normal (albeit unfortunate) of making your faith your own?”
Jen, I appreciate what you said because this is the same conclusion I’m coming to, out of evil comes good and I think the good can really be appreciated to a rich, full extent. I’m curious myself if it’s even possible to avoid the initial impact because I know not everyone made it out with the same conclusions. *Pour one out for my fallen homies*. Because of the love of my parents and mentors God’s grace was shown. I hope I didn’t come across like I was whining about my folks cause mr and mrs Beachy are badass!
You know I hate it when he’s right, but somebody from our past shared Romans 5.1-5 with me recently. …Suffering produces endurance which produces character which produces hope.
v. 5 *and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.*
Gosh, I hate it when he’s right.
As a Christian parent, I will try to instill fewer absolutes, less knowing ABOUT God, and a more open-handed approach to adhering to doctrine in hopes of replacing those things with more love, more living like Jesus, and more learning to tune my heart to Our Father and knowing the soft brush of His whisper across the corners of my mind.
May God forgive me for the hardening of my heart simply because I needed to protect it at too early an age.
Wait, that should read that I plan to trade the fierce grip on doctrine, upheld above so many things, for an open-handed approach to doctrinal issues. Just to clarify.
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